Lewbangers 10 Lost Galacticos 3

Lewbangers came out of a game played in darkness with an emphatic 10-3 victory last night. Bottom team Lost Galacticos clearly hadn't eaten as many carrots before the game that was not played under floodlights due to protests from local residents.

The lack of light made it hard for anyone to see what was happening, but after discussion between team members, here is a rundown of the goals, we think:

• Braggbanger scored with a low deflected drive from the left after a kick-in by Woolbanger.
• Martinbanger struck after a quick free kick by Woolbanger.
• Braggbanger fired to the left-hand post with a first time strike after being played in neatly by Martinbanger from the right side.
• Martinbanger pounced at the the far post after a Dombanger shot which was just going wide.
• Martinbanger finished after being played down the right side by Woolbanger.
• Braggbanger beared down on goal after a defensive error to slot under the keeper.
• Bloombanger struck from 70 yards after a quick corner by Braggbanger.
• Woolbanger scored after a one-two with Martinbanger.
• Longbanger set Martinbanger up to strike.
• Martinbanger pounced on poor defending to finish.

Other notable happenings include:

• Woolbanger Sr. missing out after pulling a thigh in training the previous night.
• Thombanger being left out for not turning up in official club gear.
• Longbanger's expenses doubling after being charged £4 for a lift to the game.
• Braggbanger keeping a clean sheet despite an onslaught on his goal in the final quarter of the game. Rumours he was just stood talking to Woolbanger Sr. and Thombanger are wide of the mark.

Squad: Bloombanger, Longbanger, Dombanger, Braggbanger, Woolbanger, Martinbanger.

Goalscorers: Martinbanger (5), Braggbanger (3), Bloombanger, Woolbanger.